I may be speaking too soon but it seems like work is starting to veer on the side of reasonable again, and I was back on the 6:06 train today. Which is a good thing because the crowd on the after-7:00 trains is pretty dejected.
I was feeling out that bleary-eyed crowd while waiting for the train and I saw this man smile at me, several inches shorter and easily pushing 40. We didn't exchange so much as a 2-second glance. When I got on the train, he sat directly behind me. Since I was on the super-long train that makes every stop after a totally frustrating day, I spent the better part of the train ride talking trash to others in my Verizon network and leaving grandiose voice mails for people I'd meant to catch up with.
At Millbrae, the man gets up and hands me his business card, very quietly mumbling something that resembles "dinner" and what I think was "from one commuter to another." At least, it was from one something to another, I thought it best not to ask. He was a director of development for some department at Stanford. I didn't notice until I took his business card out of my bag that on the back he'd written "Text me your name and phone number if you would like to have dinner some time!" I guess he had nothing to lose, but I was pretty surprised because it didn't seem like we had even a moment of connection. That's when I realized how lonely the 7:20 train is. When I used to ride the 5:06, it was hard to even get a guy to even look at me, let alone smile back, but on the 7:20 they'll go for any female who's merely present.
Anyway, I think it's time to get back to a work schedule that conforms more closely to my salary. At least the amount of trash talking via i.m. and in elevators with coworkers just to get through the day can't be good for my karma. And giving in to the urge to buy consumer products after an infuriating day can only be sustained for so long. Plus, yesterday, in a seriously low point of frustration and hunger, I went into the office kitchen and prepared one of those Instant Lunch things I used to eat as a kid, which my coworkers eat all the time. I don't eat much processed food, and most of that consists of veggie burgers or Trader Joe's frozen food, so I guess my body was extra-sensitive to that noxious poisonous crap - ugh, my body went into MSG-stupefied insatiated bloated shock. I don't know how people eat those things, especially out of those horrifyingly toxic styrofoam containers.
Guess I'm not cut out to work late.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
after the rager
After our F. Scott Fitzgeraldian party on Friday to celebrate my birthday among other things, there were 4 hours of cleanup and enough alcohol to easily throw another 80-guest party. I had my reservations about the risks involved in combining all of the disjointed acquaintances I have ( coworkers, computer nerds, designers, hipsters, freemasons, students, chemists, accountants) with the somewhat less disjointed acquaintances my roommates have (they all went to the same art school together), but there were enough people to keep things from getting awkward. It's great how into throwing parties my roommates are, especially Kelly, who's an awesome designer, and designed the party flyer in which I was transformed into cartoon via Adobe Illustrator. A hundred burgers and buns vaporized, cakes vanished, empty bottles accumulated and people said, 'you guys really know how to throw down.'
It's such a cool thing to have almost everyone you like in the entire Bay Area make an appearance within a few hours of each other, share the same space, even interact (if they're social enough).
Even though I now have nothing notable on my calendar for...ever now, there was no post-party letdown, partly because it's still my birthday-week-and-weekend-celebration-period, but mostly because things have been going so well, and there's been no shortage of quality people and great opportunities to recreate.
Jon, the resident Gmail expert I've been seeing, invited me out for birthday dinner last night to Bong Su, which was possibly the best Vietnamese I have ever had. And I mean great Vietnamese. He was worried when we first looked at the menu that there didn't seem to be a lot in the way of vegetariana, and I assured him that this is San Francisco, one of the best cities for vegetarians in the world, and I'd get by. I didn't even have to try either, because the waiter just picked out 3 courses for me and went back to the kitchen to have the chef alter the menu for me (the best vegetarian dishes in San Francisco are the ones that the waiter and chef collaborate to make up). I also love not having to make any decisions because I'm so tragically indecisive, so this was phenomenal. It was really nice of him to take me out for my birthday to such a great place, especially since the poor guy was so wrecked from an epic 50-mile bicycle ride that day that it appeared to cause him excruciating pain to even grip and maneuver utencils. When he dropped me off at 10:30 so he could crash out, my roommate looked at me with concern like, 'dinner didn't go so hot?' but I assured her it wasn't something I said. We concluded that we should go out, and just then I saw a text message from Avi that said he was in the city and down to meet up if I wasn't [sic: something disturbingly vulgar] and was free to hang out. He came over and we drank several half-empty (that's right) bottles of wine leftover from the rager, when my other roommate awoke from her post-sailing nap (she's so high class), and we recruited her too. I probably overdid the preparty given how hard I saw myself dancing, an unfortunately placed mirror revealed. I was also wearing these shoes that were a bit unusual, which turned out not to be as comfortable as I thought for walking 14 blocks to the Mission and dancing on for several hours, and as we were flagging down a cab Avi said that's what I get for wearing those gremlin shoes. For the record, I've gotten compliments on them too, Avi.
It's such a cool thing to have almost everyone you like in the entire Bay Area make an appearance within a few hours of each other, share the same space, even interact (if they're social enough).
Even though I now have nothing notable on my calendar for...ever now, there was no post-party letdown, partly because it's still my birthday-week-and-weekend-celebration-period, but mostly because things have been going so well, and there's been no shortage of quality people and great opportunities to recreate.
Jon, the resident Gmail expert I've been seeing, invited me out for birthday dinner last night to Bong Su, which was possibly the best Vietnamese I have ever had. And I mean great Vietnamese. He was worried when we first looked at the menu that there didn't seem to be a lot in the way of vegetariana, and I assured him that this is San Francisco, one of the best cities for vegetarians in the world, and I'd get by. I didn't even have to try either, because the waiter just picked out 3 courses for me and went back to the kitchen to have the chef alter the menu for me (the best vegetarian dishes in San Francisco are the ones that the waiter and chef collaborate to make up). I also love not having to make any decisions because I'm so tragically indecisive, so this was phenomenal. It was really nice of him to take me out for my birthday to such a great place, especially since the poor guy was so wrecked from an epic 50-mile bicycle ride that day that it appeared to cause him excruciating pain to even grip and maneuver utencils. When he dropped me off at 10:30 so he could crash out, my roommate looked at me with concern like, 'dinner didn't go so hot?' but I assured her it wasn't something I said. We concluded that we should go out, and just then I saw a text message from Avi that said he was in the city and down to meet up if I wasn't [sic: something disturbingly vulgar] and was free to hang out. He came over and we drank several half-empty (that's right) bottles of wine leftover from the rager, when my other roommate awoke from her post-sailing nap (she's so high class), and we recruited her too. I probably overdid the preparty given how hard I saw myself dancing, an unfortunately placed mirror revealed. I was also wearing these shoes that were a bit unusual, which turned out not to be as comfortable as I thought for walking 14 blocks to the Mission and dancing on for several hours, and as we were flagging down a cab Avi said that's what I get for wearing those gremlin shoes. For the record, I've gotten compliments on them too, Avi.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
to me
I started out my 23rd birthday the night before, just out with one of my roommates trying to have a fun time. We went out to the Mission to meet her friend's own birthday party, and for some reason we got talked into going clear across town with them to the Alpha bar, which I always say has such untapped potential - mostly because it's a great spot but there's never anyone there. The topper to get us to go was that they were allegedly filming a Budweiser commercial there - the two of us looked at each other intrigued by sheer curiosity. It ended up being starkly abandoned as usual, though (despite the halfway decent DJs always spinning live), and luckily I had called up my friend Igor, who resides in the neighborhood, to keep me company among all of the friends of friends I had zero relation to.
Worked way too many hours again today, frantically (to the tune of the buzzing of dear friends wishing me happy birthday on my mobile phone, in the background of coworkers bringing me cakes and flowers as I worked through lunch), we all keep saying the psychotic work schedule is temporary until the new people are trained and I can stop being held responsible for two people's jobs.
Got home at 7:30 and realized if I wanted to put anything remotely social together I would have to think of something. I made some calls and cooked myself dinner in an empty apartment.
Birthdays aren't a big deal, but they still make you feel like you're going to want to make remembering them not lonely.
I wanted to do something low-key, and it worked out perfectly - 2 out of 3 roommates (the 3rd was under the weather) plus Igor and a friend. We danced so hard to 60s soul in the back room at Delirium I felt like I was living something I'd been half putting off for a really long time.
It's hard to gleam insight from contentment, because you can't conclude much except that you've done a few things right and you should try not to allow them to change, but things have been getting good for a while now, better even, good enough to get down to projects, good enough to want to give back.
Worked way too many hours again today, frantically (to the tune of the buzzing of dear friends wishing me happy birthday on my mobile phone, in the background of coworkers bringing me cakes and flowers as I worked through lunch), we all keep saying the psychotic work schedule is temporary until the new people are trained and I can stop being held responsible for two people's jobs.
Got home at 7:30 and realized if I wanted to put anything remotely social together I would have to think of something. I made some calls and cooked myself dinner in an empty apartment.
Birthdays aren't a big deal, but they still make you feel like you're going to want to make remembering them not lonely.
I wanted to do something low-key, and it worked out perfectly - 2 out of 3 roommates (the 3rd was under the weather) plus Igor and a friend. We danced so hard to 60s soul in the back room at Delirium I felt like I was living something I'd been half putting off for a really long time.
It's hard to gleam insight from contentment, because you can't conclude much except that you've done a few things right and you should try not to allow them to change, but things have been getting good for a while now, better even, good enough to get down to projects, good enough to want to give back.
Monday, July 03, 2006
my first wedding
It remains to be determined whether or not I am good at faking it when I'm out of my element. I've been told I'm good at visibly keeping my cool with gigantic crushes or when I'm nervous in social situations, but usually I kind of doubt it.
My friend Shonelle's wedding was the first wedding I'd been to without my family besides my friend Danielle's grandmother's wedding several years ago, and definitely the first friend-friend of mine to get married. Since the guest I RSVP'ed to bring turned out to be wishful thinking, I was kind of nervous about coming solo.
I didn't really know anyone who would be there, so I had to guess about everything, like gifts and how to dress and everything. I let myself get talked into wearing this big, fun dress by my mother and sister which I had a pretty good feeling would put the over in over-dress(ed). But since I adore dressing up, I had to take the opportunity.
I had to do my hair to go with the over-dressed, and of course I don't know what I'm doing since I missed out on that chapter of girl 101 and neglected to make up the credits in sorority 101 or anything like that. I spent a while just figuring out how a curling iron worked and I was running late, but my parents were like, "Don't come on time, they won't start till at least a half hour to an hour in, you'll just miss the welcome cocktail."
I showed up maybe 40 minutes late, and saw everyone hanging around (and I of course knew no one) so I dipped a carrot stick in dip and walked around. In the next room I saw Shonelle glamorous, beaming, stunning, and I tried to tell her so.
I very un-smoothly asked when things were getting started and her face dropped, confused.
Uh-oh, did I miss it?
Everything.
They started on the dot.
"That's okay! That's okay!" she said, because she's so sweet like that.
Boy did I feel like a jackass. I guess I shouldn't have trusted my parents on that one, after all they do operate on IST (Israeli Standard Time).
I saw a friend of Shonelle's who I'd met once at UCLA, and introduced myself (she'd of course forgotten me). I was feeling seriously stupid (and did I mention overdressed?) and I couldn't get conversation to pick up. I took down a glass of champagne and some cheese and crackers, took a deep breath and plunged head-on into a conversation, introducing myself to everyone.
I don't think people believe that I actually have social anxiety, because the way I cope with it is by all-out sending the opposite signals out and hoping for the best while consuming alcoholic beverages, if possible.
Luckily, this was a great strategy at a wedding where I didn't know anyone. Since there were so many couples and married 24-year-olds, I didn't want to just abandon ship with the single girls if conversation didn't take off. I was pretty persistent with the 5 single people I met, and by the time we were seated we were all like old acquaintances.
So I ended up having a fun time, sat at a table with some nice people and swapped stories, even might have made a couple of friends.
I'm starting to wonder how many times I have to have certain experiences before I can actually start to feel confident about my ability to be awesome in them and not be nervous. At least, in dating it doesn't appear to be possible yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting there in the business meeting scene and the wedding scene.
Spent the day Saturday with the engineer, walking and talking. We went to the Jazz festival, ate Burmese food, sat at the park and walked like a hundred miles. So fun!
My friend Shonelle's wedding was the first wedding I'd been to without my family besides my friend Danielle's grandmother's wedding several years ago, and definitely the first friend-friend of mine to get married. Since the guest I RSVP'ed to bring turned out to be wishful thinking, I was kind of nervous about coming solo.
I didn't really know anyone who would be there, so I had to guess about everything, like gifts and how to dress and everything. I let myself get talked into wearing this big, fun dress by my mother and sister which I had a pretty good feeling would put the over in over-dress(ed). But since I adore dressing up, I had to take the opportunity.
I had to do my hair to go with the over-dressed, and of course I don't know what I'm doing since I missed out on that chapter of girl 101 and neglected to make up the credits in sorority 101 or anything like that. I spent a while just figuring out how a curling iron worked and I was running late, but my parents were like, "Don't come on time, they won't start till at least a half hour to an hour in, you'll just miss the welcome cocktail."
I showed up maybe 40 minutes late, and saw everyone hanging around (and I of course knew no one) so I dipped a carrot stick in dip and walked around. In the next room I saw Shonelle glamorous, beaming, stunning, and I tried to tell her so.
I very un-smoothly asked when things were getting started and her face dropped, confused.
Uh-oh, did I miss it?
Everything.
They started on the dot.
"That's okay! That's okay!" she said, because she's so sweet like that.
Boy did I feel like a jackass. I guess I shouldn't have trusted my parents on that one, after all they do operate on IST (Israeli Standard Time).
I saw a friend of Shonelle's who I'd met once at UCLA, and introduced myself (she'd of course forgotten me). I was feeling seriously stupid (and did I mention overdressed?) and I couldn't get conversation to pick up. I took down a glass of champagne and some cheese and crackers, took a deep breath and plunged head-on into a conversation, introducing myself to everyone.
I don't think people believe that I actually have social anxiety, because the way I cope with it is by all-out sending the opposite signals out and hoping for the best while consuming alcoholic beverages, if possible.
Luckily, this was a great strategy at a wedding where I didn't know anyone. Since there were so many couples and married 24-year-olds, I didn't want to just abandon ship with the single girls if conversation didn't take off. I was pretty persistent with the 5 single people I met, and by the time we were seated we were all like old acquaintances.
So I ended up having a fun time, sat at a table with some nice people and swapped stories, even might have made a couple of friends.
I'm starting to wonder how many times I have to have certain experiences before I can actually start to feel confident about my ability to be awesome in them and not be nervous. At least, in dating it doesn't appear to be possible yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting there in the business meeting scene and the wedding scene.
Spent the day Saturday with the engineer, walking and talking. We went to the Jazz festival, ate Burmese food, sat at the park and walked like a hundred miles. So fun!
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